(Photo illustration
by Cheryl Evans/The Arizona Republic)
For parents, endowing child with confidence could be your most important
gift
By RICHARD NILSEN
The Arizona Republic
Tea Rose Cloos, with her red hair and melting smile, stands at the edge of the ocean with a finger at her mouth, measuring whether to go in the water.
Blond Carol Lily, her fraternal twin sister, races with abandon directly into the surf, laughing and giggling and having a grand time.
At the beach, the 3-year-olds couldn't be more different.
One appears confident. Even when she is stung by a jellyfish and runs out of the water, Carol Lily turns right around and dashes back in.
Nothing bothers her. She runs to the front of every parade.
But not Tea Rose. She seems timid. Parents and grandparents wonder whether she will be confident enough as she grows up.
Every parent wants his or her child to benefit from a secure sense of confidence, but how can you help, when it is clear that even twins, raised identically, can be opposites when faced with new experience?
Are children just born that way?
"Even though their basic personalities may be inborn, the kids also have other stuff going on," psychotherapist Carol Bettino says. "So, although it's true that there are some children who will lead the parade and others who will be afraid to get on, you can't avoid the environment."
It's the old question of nature vs. nurture.
Professionals call the nature part of a child's personality "temperament." It is a child's hard wiring. But even timid children can develop confidence with the right guidance from parents.
And while the outgoing child appears to have an edge, that kind of
social confidence isn't the only kind a child can have.
"I watched a classmate of my daughter go through preschool," says Arizona State University West professor of psychology Paul Miller. "Loud noises bothered him, and he'd cry.
His parents were exceptional at dealing with the child, Miller says.
"They never pressured him, never forced him. They let him self-regulate, even if it meant he wouldn't join a group of friends. They never gave him a hard time about it."
Instead, his father spent a good deal of time with the boy, playing games together or reading.
"Now this kid is a computer whiz and jumps from one machine to another, one program to another."
He found the context in which he was confident.
So, if you want to do good as a parent, you have to know where you are starting. You have to pay attention to your child and listen to what he or she has to say. There is no shortcut.
That means that one child might need different treatment from another. You might need to keep the eager child from running into the street, just as you are trying to coax the shy one into learning how to cross at the light.
"It's important for parents to recognize where their child's strong points are and encourage them," Bettino says.
This takes time and patience.
"The kids aren't all that articulate, after all," Miller says, "and not even adults can express their feelings all that clearly. The kids just don't have the words to explain their internal feelings.
"Sometimes you have to go through rounds of discovery. Try to stay
patient in that process."
The parent's own temperament also comes into play.
Problems can develop if the parent is gregarious and outgoing and the child is quiet and introverted, and the parent pushes the child into group activities that the child feels uncomfortable with.
Just because Dad was quarterback in high school doesn't mean Junior wants to play sports.
It is a wise father who knows his own child.
But no matter what a child's temperament, it is important to recognize that true self-confidence is gotten through attempting a goal and achieving it.
"The most important thing for a parent to remember is that confidence comes from the child's experience of mastery," Miller says.
The child must overcome a challenge and learn from the experience that he or she can handle it. This again requires the parent to know the child well, so as not to give him or her a task either too easy or too hard.
It must be difficult enough that the child has to work at it, but not so hard as to frustrate him or her. And if it is too easy, the child won't trust the praise you give him or her.
"Don't just say 'wonderful' or 'great,'" Miller says, "but be a guide or coach."
Bettino says, "Encourage your child to do things."
Take him or her through the process.
"Don't just praise them for a job they have finished, but encourage them with things they may be afraid of," she says.
And give praise in the middle of the task, not just at the end. You don't want your child to equate praise with the result of the task, but rather with the tackling of it.
"For a shy child, this may take more work and may proceed more slowly and in a more protected environment," Miller says.
It isn't like a mackerel thrown to a performing seal.
"Say something like, 'I know how hard that puzzle is for you and I'm proud of you for working on it,' to encourage them to attempt something just a little harder," Bettino says.
In practical terms, it's really a matter of common sense, says William Fabricius, associate professor of psychology at Arizona State University.
"You want to give the child a lot of encouragement and keep criticism to a minimum," he says.
That is the basic recipe for parents.
And, finally, it is important to model confident behavior for your children.
"You have to have confidence to have self-respect," Bettino says. "And they have to learn that from somebody."
