Parents can help kids gain confidence by planning strategic
challenges
The Arizona Republic
"Children develop confidence by learning to master challenges,"
says psychology professor Paul Miller. "Self-confidence comes
from self-reliance." Following are quiet ways to challenge your
child to become more confident with his or her own achievements:
— When you give your children chores or offer them books a little
more advanced than their age, their confidence increases as they
learn they can perform them or read them.
— When your child does well, congratulate him or her with words
of encouragement or a hug.
"This one is tricky," Miller says. "You don't want them to do
things merely to get a reward. Then you take the joy out of it.
So, don't reward them for getting an 'A,' but for the hard work
they put in that resulted in the grade."
Psychotherapist Carol Bettino says, "Use your praise in the
middle of a task, not just the end."
— Don't run your child's life for him or her. You may think
you are providing security by taking everything on yourself, but
if a child is given no responsibility, he or she cannot develop
confidence. This also means you should sometimes do what the child
wants to do — let him or her direct a shared activity.
— "Invite them to join you in your tasks," Miller says.
If you are fixing the car or cooking the evening meal, find
age-appropriate ways the child can help.
— "Don't compare your child with other children," Miller says.
"Say, 'You ran that race in 11 seconds last time, now maybe you
can do it in 10.' Never say, 'The other girl ran that in 10 seconds,
can you match her?'"
"It's important to remember that kids' confidence will wax and
wane," Miller says.
You should expect even an otherwise confident child to feel
less so during a divorce or when he or she changes schools after
a move.
Even an adventurous child in grade school may become unsure
in high school. Or a timid child may discover confidence in good
grades or a developing talent for computers or cooking. Such changes
are normal.
"If they don't look confident at 5 or 10," Miller says, "maybe
they just haven't found their niche yet."
